Horsemen by Marriage
by Leah Juarez

"In sickness and in health, For better or for worse, In good times and bad, through grooming and mucking, in show season and foaling, Until trail rides do us part."

Marriage vows such as these have never held a place in a traditional matrimonial ceremony. However looking back, some horsewomen may have considered including these types of horse-related promises in their own weddings. It might not have been such a bad idea, either. Many marriages today would probably be better off if it were made absolutely clear, right from the start, that horses were going to be a part of the couple’s new life together. Marriages, even the best matches made in heaven, can become difficult during times when couples don’t exactly see eye to eye. Financial decisions, family planning, career demands and other potentially divisive issues can put strains on any relationship. Throw in a passion for horses that one person has, and the other can’t understand, and that happily-ever-after part can potentially become elusive. Everything from too much time away to overspending to outright jealousy can result from an equine-oriented mismatch. However, as with most things, with some consideration, understanding and a willingness to try, common ground can be reached when it comes to incorporating horses into any lifestyle. In fact, many couples have found that horses actually enhance positive aspects of a marriage and family in several ways. Even men who had little to no interest in these animals before they met their wives have learned to appreciate and enjoy horses themselves, or at least respect and admire their wife’s love of horses. These men have somehow managed to do what others have found to be difficult, and that’s to officially convert over and become a Horseman by Marriage.

“My observation of men who have women in the horse world, who aren’t horsemen themselves, run the gamut of different levels of involvement,” says Vincent Mancarella. Vincent, or Vin as he is known, has recently become a horseman himself after meeting and marrying world-renowned clinician and natural horsemanship expert, Anna Twinney. By becoming involved in many of Anna’s clinics, Vin has had the opportunity to witness various types of relationships and how couples interact as it relates to horses. “Some men just say, ‘Oh, that cute, little hobby that my wife has,’ and they completely just disengage from it. They’re not interested. And that’s fine if it works for the relationship. They do their thing – they watch their football or do the computers, whatever they love. The woman does her hobby of the horse, and they both find their individuality that way.” Vin continues, “Others encourage their wives. They buy them things they need or take them on vacations to be with the horses. These men vicariously enjoy the enjoyment the women are getting even though they don’t really love the horses themselves. And then there are some men who I’ve seen who just try to jump right in. They see the enthusiasm. They see that there’s something to this and they begin to participate.

Vin definitely fits into this last category. A New York City computer technologist turned life coach, Vin’s life completely changed after he married Anna. “I always thought horses were very majestic, but I never had any real desire to ride them or be a part of them,” he explains. “But, when I saw that you could have a communication with the horse, I was very interested.” Since Anna is an animal communicator, she was able to bring this aspect into Vin’s life. “I couldn’t really even put on a halter very well, but now I’m very comfortable. There’s a certain confidence and relaxed attitude and enjoyment. Now, I connect with the horses in a way that I never did before. I really enjoy being on the ground, in the pasture, paddock or stable, and just connecting with them.”

Vin is not alone is this discovery of connection. Many men have been introduced to the horse world through their wives, including Natural Awakening’s own Jerry Neale. Jerry and his wife, Tracy own Michigan Healthy Living and Sustainability, Inc. and publish Natural Awakenings of East Michigan magazines and Natural Awakenings Healthy Pet. “I don’t think Jerry really had an opinion of horses or horsewomen when we first met,” Tracy remembers, “because it was really his first exposure to both.” Ironically enough, the couple met at The White Horse Inn in Metamora, Michigan in 1979 through a friend who introduced them shortly after Jerry moved from Nevada. Jerry really had no previous experience with horses. Tracy continues, “I was a teenager then and worked at one of the thoroughbred farms in the area. I owned two of my own horses as well and was very involved in the horse community.” Today, Tracy is still very involved with horses, and now, Jerry is too. “Jerry supports everything I do with horses, including horse-sitting when I'm away at shows (I show Western Reining). He does it all, including feeding, mucking stalls, and tending to their sicknesses when necessary,” she explains. “He schedules his business activities and travel around the commitment we have to the horses so that he's available to help out when I need him. He even learned to ride years ago and has jumped horses, something extraordinary for a western city boy.” Jerry acknowledges that this lifestyle and the love that women have for horses is often hard for most men to understand. However, he advises, “The time and resources you devote to supporting their passion is something that they will appreciate forever.”

Some have said that horsewomen are strong-willed and extremely passionate when it comes to horses. According to family counselor and intuitive consultant, Leeann Heinbaugh, this is actually a very important aspect of a woman’s life. “For someone who loves horses, that’s a part of their spiritual being,” Leeann explains. “I tell my clients all the time, ‘You should be happy. You should have passions.’ If you’re not living passionately, you’re not living fully. There’s surviving and there’s being alive. We have a choice to recreate ourselves, remember who we are, and dream who we want to be.” For some women, a re-discovery of themselves, and their love of horses, happens after they’ve been married to a non-horseman for years. What then? “It’s never about changing your spouse. It’s about changing yourself.” She goes on to explain that roles and expectations change over time, and it’s important for a woman to find her voice and tell her own story. If she finds a dormant passion for horses has re-surfaced, she should follow this and explore the possibilities of incorporating horses into her life. However, Leeann cautions women to be careful. “Passion can turn into obsessions pretty quickly.” Fortunately, women have many options available to bring horses into their lives at various levels of involvement. “Even if they can find a place to go ride once a month, they should do it,” Leeann advises.

Kelly Smith is a woman who has creatively kept horses very much a part of her life in spite of being married to a non-horsey husband for 29 years. “I married my sweetheart, he just wasn’t my cowboy,” Kelly says about her husband. She explains that she was a horse-obsessed girl who always had to be around horses when she was young. Then, when she was 17, she started dating her future husband, and her love for horses took a back seat. She always had the intention to get back into horses, but that proved to be very difficult. After they had been married for several years and had a three-year-old daughter, her husband bought her a horse. However, they had to board it at a facility that was quite a distance away. This arrangement just became too time consuming for Kelly to try to balance her horse-time and family time. So, she made the hard decision to sell her horse after only 6 months. Kelly wasn’t about to give up horses altogether, however. “What I did to pacify the love of them is to begin collecting horse art and images,” she explains. Kelly completely surrounded herself, and consequently her husband, with images of horses. “He knows better than to say anything,” she laughs about her husband. Eventually, Kelly opened her own art gallery and custom jewelry store where she specialized in horse-related art, and today she continues to share her passion as the manager of The Edge Gallery located in downtown, Fenton, MI.

Anna Twinney suggests that what Kelly has done is a good example of what women can do to keep their “first love” of horses in their life while actually help strengthen their marriges. “The love is a different kind of love,” Anna describes about a woman’s love for horses. “She doesn’t love her husband any less, and nobody’s trying to replace him. It’s not one or the other. It’s both,” she continues. “Horses are the symbol of freedom, and she likes this piece of freedom. Here, she has found something to express herself with.”

Anna’s husband, Vin agrees about the importance of acceptance and understanding a horsewoman when married to one. “With a lot of people, they like certain aspects of someone, so they date them and marry them, but in the back of their mind, they’re eventually wanting to change them to conform more to the way of life that they’re used to or comfortable with. But with a horsewoman, you can’t do that. I knew that if I wanted to be with Anna, I had to accept her as she was and appreciate her as she was. I had to try to enjoy those things that maybe I didn’t know or was uncomfortable with before because they mean that much to her. I had to make concessions and had to be open to different ways of being, but it didn’t mean I had to completely give my life over. As much as I’ve grown to understand horses more and be in this world and appreciate this world, that doesn’t mean that everything else in my life and all the likes I had before went away.”

Vin continues to offer up some good advice for men, “Try to include yourself as much as you can and as much as your wife wants you to into that world. If she’s truly a horsewoman, this is in her being. Enjoy the joy that she’s experiencing, because if you’re not, whether you recognize it or not, you’re cutting her off. You’re disconnecting from her. You’re telling her basically, ‘I don’t want to know you when you’re with horses.’ So she’s going to disconnect from you.” He goes on, “Don’t try to be a horseman if that’s not who you are, but try to find areas that you can also enjoy yourself and be with your wife. If you can’t, if horses just aren’t your thing, enjoy her enthusiasm for them. If you can’t enjoy the subject itself, enjoy that your wife is happy. She is going to share her joy, and that’s going to strengthen the relationship whether you’re with the horses or not.”

So, perhaps traditional wedding vows don’t have to specifically mention horses in order to cover everything in a horsewoman’s married life after all. It can be assumed that because her love of horses is such a part of who she is, it is already included in the promise to love and honor, for richer and for poorer. In fact, men have many options when entering into a union with a woman who loves horses. They can become as involved as they want without having to give up their own individuality. The most important thing is they realize how deeply ingrained this passion is in their wife, and how happy it will make her to be able to share this love with her husband. Once they acknowledge this, that a love for horses does not divide, it actually multiplies, then they can truly become a Horseman by Marriage.